就算千百個不願意

在這時候我只能默默的完成任務

有苦難言

就算我最好的朋友我也無法啟齒能裝沒事就裝沒事囉

有時話到嘴邊還是硬吞了回去

有時大抓狂寫了EMAIL又把它狠狠刪掉

我現在才體會到 這場仗是多麼孤單 沒有兵用的滋味…

而同時也很清楚的知道…人生的大MILESTONE之一

就在現在這一刻在發酵中…

有一天我一定會回憶這一段時間

而記得我們是怎麼熬過來的

親愛的老天爺

請祢給我足夠的智慧與韌性來面對這一切

只求平安順利 其他的利益糾葛是完全不重要的…

dear God, please give me a rainbow…

i attended a charity golf tournament recently…at angus glen… a really far away golf course off Major Mac.

i thought to myself while staring at the fields and farms and abandoned highways, “who wants to live here? if you got murdered nobody would detect for days.” 

than i found out 3 of my girl friends from university all moved their houses near the golf course after marriage/engagement. ...marriage = suburbia?

meanwhile, another close friend of mine is moving to Manhattan, the capital city of cities.

i envy her more than i envy moving-next-to-golf-course, but alas, ‘urban’ + “major city-ness” is out of my system or i wouldn’t be here right now. 

it really made me think about ‘timelines’- when is what/who ready to “settle down”?

even if i found the love of my life tomorrow, i don’t think i am ready to handle household expenses tab, cleaning supplies, and start on my baking trays. i would feel quite stilted mentally.

so ideally: limited household cores/cleaning, minimum financial strain (if I choose to work it is not because i have to), and my sole job would be to pop out a kid or two…

hmmm… this is starting to sound like HPYL’s life…

X: 妳當我的小老婆好了 Hahaha

Me: XXX 你媽！！！我才不要 1) 你根本包養不起我 2) 我是正宮的命ＯＫ

X: 那麼兇 我想算了 我不想被醃了

Me: 你知道就好

___________________________________________________________________

這不是愛情

但也有少許超出友誼

我會想念你但絕對是淡淡的回味

今天早上又有點猶豫不決…

這種狀況很不像我以往的果斷作風

去還是留…?

回家是騙自己到黑洞深淵的假象嗎?

還是只是給自己不肯往前的藉口?

today i rose @ the early hour (for someone on vacation) of 8am and rushed to some far off store in taipei to buy pastries, then took the train + bus to airport to meet someone very dear to me.

my mentor and good friend was impatiently tapping his foot at the check-in counter for his transit flight but broke into a grin when he saw me. 

he was carrying a half-empty duffel bag with his carry-on and i asked him why???

he then pointed to the perfectly wrapped box of pastries i was carrying

“because i knew you were going to give me an additional to carry”… drat, how does he know me so well?

the art of Chinese gift-giving, my mom has ingrained into me since childhood never fails. 

we did our catch-up talk over Taiwanese snacks and bubble-tea, whatever was available @ the airport because there wasn’t enough time to venture into the city

though it quickly became apparent the true reason he “flew” this way to see me… an opportunity presents itself but without hesitation i had to turn down.

having traveled for the last 35 days, i increasingly just want to go home.

despite the “poor you, you’re moving back to CANADA (just as bad as Afghanistan!!!)” looks

despite my innate dread of driving and the shitty pubic transportation

despite my mother has seemed to up her notch of annoying-ness and reminds me of WHY i left in the first place

it’s still time… time to return to the nest for this little bird.