this morning when i trudged back home in the early morning snowfall i thought to myself “Why do I do this to myself…WHY?” 

i did not have an answer. 

mentally my derived ‘excuse’ is that i’m so caught up in multiple other obligations…work…personal development…friends…

that somewhere along the way i shoved this in the way back of the line even if i fully intended it to be in prioritized sequence. 

i’m still my cheery upbeat self, but i guess the initial excitement factor is gone, it’s just… the way it is. acceptance or not.

today is a milestone day.

9:30am sent an email asking for update

1:00pm left a voicemail asking for status

4:00pm left another voicemail on mobile phone asking for status

6:30pm FINALLY GOT IT

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i’ve been waiting for this for say…….. 27 days for this thing to be delivered to me.

my entire existence and purpose of work is dependent on this. thankfully it showed up today. 

i’m positive things are looking up!!!

bravo!

我立志要改一改我的壞脾氣之後

稍微有進步

現在什麼會讓我生氣?

• 做錯事 無法
• 講錯話 無法
• 動作慢 無法
• 笨到可以 無法
• 對我暴怒 也無法

但是還是有一關我過不了

呈現沒有道德的行為

我還是會很生氣

今天好一點了

平心靜氣除理吧…

SOMETIMES I FORGET THIS IS A WORLD WHERE SOMEONE SCREWS YOU OVER AND THEN SENDS YOU A BILL FOR IT.

RIDICULOUS.

OKAY THIS IS MY 10 SECOND MOMENT OF ANGER. THEN GOTTA LET GO AND MOVE ON.

!@#!@$!@!%!#%@#%!$!@#~!#~!~ *PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE AND HOPE YOU GROW BIG PIMPLES OF THE OOZING KIND*

when someone asked me what my biggest takeaway is from living abroad, i reply “i become more brave”

little did i know, that was way too early a testament to say.

this year, it just all comes head-on, in the face, with no room to back away.

my only tiny bit of sanity is my silence.

talking is acknowledging is making it fact.

when you have facts you refuse to believe as truth, silence is my only shield.

in hindsight, everything else pales in comparison. 

yet when faced with everything else, i still wish for continued strength and wisdom to solve the other problems. 

no one needs my tears and fear, especially not me. 

whereas i need ALL of my strength and sources of wisdom to deal with ALL of the upcoming obstacles

dear higher powers, please give me the strength i need. amen. 

I only worked for 10 months of 2012. That marks an incredible year by itself.

In the last few minutes of 2012, pressing my face against the looking glass to see fireworks…

I felt very satisfied and at ease, as if there was nothing else in the world I needed or wanted.

One happy duckling I am. 

***

I attended a gathering where there were 7 babies and 3 unborn ones. To be contrite, the parents looked washed out and haggard as they chased their offspring around the room.

And I think I’m being nice in description. 

I was more or less in shock.

THIS is what I’m looking forward to!? The times where a 13 month old child scratches my face and then has the audacity to wail and cry about it when I pull her off?

I guess I’m not exactly seeing the pure unadulterated joy when you hold your child for the first time, and catch his/her very first steps and jibberish first words. 

Mental preparation for parenthood starts NOW.

***

Okay, now the IMPORTANT part of this post.

2013 New Years’ Resolutions–Very Simple but Very Tough to Enact

1) Live a much more disciplined, healthy lifestyle

2) Break out of my comfort zone and meet new people 

3) Finish what I started, always.