i’m sad xanga is shutting down…better archive all of my entries!

day 2 of enslaved report-writing @ the library. i’m wearing my adidas boy-shorts which is usually a sign i am very serious about getting work done… hence i’m blogging and stalling for time.

looked in the mirror of the library washroom, i look like a frazzled nerdy student trying desperately not to fail this course. wow! haven’t looked like that in a long time.

i’ve been sleeping badly, nightmares and inconsistent insomnia every other day. yet, i cannot pin-point the source of my distress.

my nightmarket booth? that can’t possibly be it. even if it’s an epic failure who the eff cares? @ least i learned a new recipe and my friends have fun.

work stress? we just overcame a huge milestone and finally on track, i’ve been hunting down a bottle of year 2000 Dom to celebrate, that’s can’t be it

my love life gone to sh*t…maybe a little bit. grandma tells me every chance she gets that when she was 28, she already gave birth to 5 kids. but truth is, EFF that. that can’t be my source of distress.

nonstop wedding blitz? hey, as long as there’s open bar i have no complaints. gracie was fabulous, candace was adorable, febby was very elegant, and sabina was stunning!

so WHAT is driving me nuts everyday, i am currently unable to articulate.

must be time to leave the country again? i think it’s when i drive around Toronto and it’s grey and raining and i’m like FML i live here?!

my heart is going ape*shit and pulled in so many directions I find it very hard to sort things out. what does it all mean? I’m 28, it’s time to know better.

this is probably my 5000th entry about how i am stressed out.

enrolled 2 appraisal courses-one of which i just got a quiz back with 60%…i rushed in and wrote it in 10 minutes then rushed back out to answer work emails; i kinda deserved that. 

work is just a shit-storm

love life- even more of a shit-storm…it’s making me unable to focus

and people question why i leave Toronto at least once a month…

the fact that i can get away is my only saving grace and sole thing keeping me sane!!!

oh ya and xanga is shutting down, time to find another blog space!

a very memorable weekend of ‘firsts’ and ‘lasts’ with memories and new beginnings. I’m grateful for it all, and all those who I can count on to be with me every step of the way. love ya!

okay i admit i’m in a down trough right now. stuff is not falling into place and there are new challenges in work, in life everyday.

i have repeated nightmares that haunt me every night.

it also doesn’t help that my car was stolen right underneath my window, which adds to the nightmare cycle because i keep feeling compelled to check if my car is still there!

horrible. 

i insisted we change all the locks and add latches to all entrances of the house and upgrade the alarm system, it’s really scary when you don’t feel safe in your own house.

i’m like consistently paranoid an intruder will try to get into the house. 

so unlike me!!!

betty says i need to calm the eff down or else i’m going to paralyze my mental state somehow. 

so many fears all jumping in @ once. 

I dislike the perception of being ‘Iron Lady’ or very demanding or b*tchy because I’ve had to work with people who are and it’s not pleasant.

So I try to go out of my way to be pleasant, joke around, being very approachable; but when I want something done, I want it DONE, and it doesn’t seem to be translating properly.

Today is the first time in 8 months of work that I’ve had to pull rank, and I hate doing it but I’m just not taken seriously because I already set the precedent. 

老天並不想放過我

只想要喘一口氣

沒想到挑戰又是波滔洶湧而來

沒有空間可以閃躲

只有面對它

i dislike when i turn into a needy, whining, crybaby ESPECIALLY if it’s self-induced.

i like this balloon to remind me that i want to be a sparkling, positive person and

with many matters in life: it’s a change of mentality, perspective, attitude.

the great thing is, my schedule is packed to the brim for May/June; plenty of opportunity to evolve my perspective!

一通電話又可以讓我哭到不行 

剛好要搭地鐵

我好像電影女主角

帶個大大墨鏡看著窗外的漆黑

一直默默掉眼淚

到了地點用妝把眼睛周圍蓋掉

再跟朋友說我鼻子過敏

希望沒有人發現我有多難過

***

我早知道這一天會來臨

說有心理準備也有好幾年的準備

但是真的發生時

還是真他媽的: 痛

***

雖說難過但是沒有其他情緒

沒有怨

沒有怒

沒有悔

沒有對錯或贏面失敗

我也知道時間會淡化一切

我也知道我會找到另一個愛我的人

我都知道我都知道

可是還是忍不住淚水

希望熬過這一段時間

我可以釋懷

讓我們彼此都真正的自由吧…

I feel awesome too!